Cockle Art now on display

The deadline for submissions for the ART Contest, sponsored by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, closed recently. The ART Contest parameters restricted the artists to an artful concept of cockles. The winning submission, pictured above, is called "The Burgeoning of Cocklization - pre and post testing". This incredibly evocative piece is the work of 88 year old amateur artist A. Krillick. Even though Ms. Krillick is not a competitive cyclist, her subtle, heart-felt grasp of cockles has the ability to squeeze and massage our emotions. Her perceptive acumen in capturing and clenching the essence of cockles in this conceptual tour-de-force commands our respect.

The winning artist receives the patented Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory "Most Abundance of Euphoric Youth Booth". The world famous portable hyperbaric chamber attaches to any bathtub to create the atmosphere necessary to recapture lost youth. Congratulations and many thanks to the other entrant.


Singular Signings Slake Search for Success

Team Vitesse is proud to announce the signing of two former stars of the peleton. Pierre Portez-la-Bouteille and Dirk Draagfles will support the stars in the Team Vitesse pantheon at the Smoky Lake training centre. Both riders have impressive palmares including two top 159 finishes in the 2008 Tour de Napa Valley. In addition to the obvious advantage their names imply, they are committed to random out-of-competition cockle testing and the team sponsor, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Portez-la Bouteille exclaimed, "I am happy to put my cockles in the hands of professionals". "The super absorbent rain cape will be very useful in Holland!" quipped Draagfles.
You can imagine the excitement and optimisim these riders bring to a team wishing to whet its whistle with wins.


Cockle Testing Abduction - Part 2

We pick up the compelling story of one man's out of competition random cockle test.

CC: How did the Manilow music make you feel?
BJ: It would not be my first choice for listening pleasure but it added a certain mood to the wood panelled boogie van. I sat back against the plywood bench and tried to relax. I knew that maintaining a calm state of contentment would mitigate the intrusiveness of the cockle test. With "Crackling Rosie" pounding through the 1/2 inch speakers, I began to believe that the Happy Lucky 88 cockle testers were trained professionals.
CC: What made you doubt their authenticity in the first place?
BJ: their purple latex gloves. That and the fact that they were arguing about the instruction manual. Happy Lucky 88's directions seemed to be unintelligible to the technicians. When I regained consciousness I was told that the results would be mailed to me 3 weeks after they had been released to the press. It didn't sound fair but i was in no position to argue with my cockles in a compromised position.
CC: How did your cockles feel after the test?
BJ: About the same really. Maybe a bit warmer than normal with a tingle indicating excessive handling. I got a purple latex thumbs up from all the techs when I was dropped off at the gate of Johan's Lake Como villa. Apparently my cockles were tested in flight to Italy.
CC: Any last words for our reader?
BJ: The key to passing a cockle test is go to your quiet place and remain alert. Being a lert cannot be overemphasized. Warm tingly feelings in the cockles is a good thing...I hope. Eventually all pro riders must submit to having their cockles tested. I am glad mine is over for this month.


Not so Happy Lucky 88

This neglected bicycle did not have the benefit of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's most excellent Super Absorbent Rain Cape. If the owner had taken advantage of the special holiday offer he or she would not be confronted with this sorry sight. Team Vitesse joins Happy Lucky 88 in wishing that all neglectful cyclists purchase a rain cape today.


I WAS ABDUCTED BY COCKLE TESTERS - an exclusive report -PART 1

A team member's intimate and touching story of a random cockle test follows. We will call the rider Big Jim (BJ) to protect his privacy.

Cycling Cosmonaut: Tell us how you were contacted by the authorities.
Big Jim: A white van stopped in front of my residence at 0800 hours. 8 burly men in white lab coats stood at my door wearing purple latex gloves. I will never forget those purple latex gloves as long as I live.
CC: You must have been scared...did they identify themselves?
BJ: I had received the cockle briefing notes from Johan but I had no idea who they were until I saw the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory logo on their uniforms. Then I knew my cockles were going to be tested. Instinctively I felt my cockles adopting a defensive posture.
CC: What happened next?
BJ: 2 of the men threw a black bag over my head and I was bundled into the back of the idling van. I realized that struggle was useless against their superior numbers. I remember that the van's interior smelled like a mixture of cumin tinged sweat, lavender and burnt electrical circuits. The music was remarkable.
CC: Can you remember what you heard?
BJ: Over the shouts and murmurs of the testing men I thought I heard the toe tapping vocal stylings of Barry Manilow. I felt warm and comfortable in my Happy Lucky 88 pyjamas as the blue and red electrodes were attached...

Please return to Cycling Cosmonaut for PART 2 of this EXCLUSIVE report -I had my Cockles Tested...


Readers' Forum -- Q&A

If the SMEVEC 88T is as good as it sounds the entire racing world would be using it as part of their off season training strategy.
How many teams have actually signed on to SMEVEC to date?

So far the only team to have signed a deal with Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory is Team Vitesse. This collaboration has produced some excellent products which have pushed the envelope of racing and drawn a line in the sand to which other companies must step up to the plate.

How do you expect SMEVEC to actually affect the outcome of 2009's time trials?

Team Vitesse has spent the last month in a training camp near Smoky Lake. The performance tracking capabilities of the SMEVEC 88T indicate a steady improvement for all team members. If it rains on time trial day, the combination of Super Absorbent Rain Cape, the SMEVEC 88T and a downhill course will undoubtedly give Team Vitesse a distinct advantage. Which other team can produce calculations based on Onsager Reciprocal Relations (the 4th Law of Thermodynamics) during race conditions? The other huge advantage that Team Vitesse will have is the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. This ferring integrates seamlessly with the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and the SMEVEC.

Once the other teams see the wisdom of riding with 25 or 30 kilos of aerodynamic plywood they will be lining up to get on the Happy Lucky 88 bandwagon.


SMEVEC Submariner Revelations!

A Team Vitesse colleague based in London, England reports that the new revolutionary cycling computer, the SMEVEC 88T, works underwater! Details are sketchy, however it is believed that team member "Night Train" rode off a pier near Dover and was able to calculate her speed of descent while plunging to the bottom of the North Sea. At the same time she managed to prove, to 2 decimal places, the standard atomic weight of molybdenum (95.94 g-mol).
Kudos to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory for developing such a versatile product and to Night Train for her dedication to science under adverse conditions.


Heavenly Enhancement from Happy Lucky 88

The SMEVEC 88T has finally arrived in North America. The long awaited PROFESSIONAL model of biofeedback information technology emanates from the innovators of such exciting products as the "Panel of Sponsor" and "Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking". Actually used by Team Vitesse under race conditions in a professional peleton, SMEVEC 88T's functionality, sleek Hyper-aerodynamic Input Performance* (HIP) and high volume deliverable interface have solidified the reputation of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory in the industry.

Insert foto shows the optional Globe Positioning System upgrade. The GPS can be easily attached to the flight deck platform using Happy Lucky 88's trademark adhesive. The Formulaic Option Computation (FOC) were previously posted on this site. The FOC posting demonstrates only a small portion of possible possibilities from the interface between rider and SMEVEC.
Every SMEVEC 88T comes complete with the diverting "Elated Guide to Sublime Interface" command sheet. Happy Lucky 88's team of engineer won the prestigious 2008 "Golden Mind of Contentment" award for his clipped and turgid writing style in this engaging document.
Now you can solve for unknown unknowns or measure and enjoy thermodynamic transfer rates, gas volumetrics, complex chemical compound weights -- all while riding your bicycle with the Sublime Motion Elated Velocity Enlightenment Computation!
Now there is nothing stopping you from leaving the peleton behind with the SMEVEC 88T!


SMEVEC 88T formulates the IMAGINATION

Excitement is building towards the imminent launch of the SMEVEC 88T. The logical "next step" in biofeedback systems for the cyclist, the SMEVEC 88T builds on the impressive output of the SMEVEC 8 increasing functionality with higher volume deliverables.

The clamour for information about Happy Lucky 88's newest product has induced the engineers at the Manufactory to pre-release the attached information sheet (closer scrutiny possible by clicking on image). It represents just some of the solutions that can be solved when applying the SMEVEC 88T formulas.

This should serve to whet the appetite of all bicycle enthusiasts who desire the best performance from themselves and from a cycling computer.

Online Survey passes test

The results of the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory Survey indicate that readers are interested in plywood spandex and more cockle testing.
Particularly surprising is the choice of lycra influenced plywood. The technology does not yet exist to marry these two elements but our readers have faith that Happy Lucky 88 will come up with a solution.
The desire for more voluntary out-of-competition cockle testing attests to the indomitable spirit of respondents' clean transparent lifestyle. They appear to be saying "I am not afraid...my cockles are not afraid...bring on the cockle testing apparatus to test my cockles!". This attitude can only be good for cycling and will ensure unsullied cockles of the highest polish and sheen.
Thanks to all of you who responded to the online survey.


Better Performance thanks to Super Absorbent Rain Cape

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, in conjunction with Team Vitesse, has unveiled the preliminary sketch of the "hydrophyllic" Super Absorbent Rain Cape. A variation of the ever popular Super Absorbent Rain Cape, this improved product is the direct result of Team Vitesse feedback. Team members asked "wouldn't we go faster if the rain cape absorbed more rain?". Happy Lucky 88's R&D department immediately set to work to increase the absorption quotient and produce a thermodynamically favourable plywood.

Now available in time for the rainy season, the Super Absorbent Rain Cape comes in one exciting colour. Order the SMEVEC 8 and receive part of a rain cape with every SMEVEC ordered!


SMEVEC 88T Passes Road Tests like a Champion

These exclusive fotos of the Sublime Motion Elated Velocity Enlightenment Computation 88T (SMEVEC 88T) display the kind of rigorous testing any Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory product receives. Shown above, a member of Team Vitesse puts the SMEVEC 88T through its paces on an uphill stretch in the Dolomites. Capable of high level calculations including barometric pressure, time zones, pivot tables and regression analysis, the SMEVEC 88T will be released to the public in the very near future.
Stay tuned to CYCLING COSMONAUT for updates!!


SMEVEC - the new GOLD standard in Performance Measurement

Introducing the SMEVEC 8 - it's what every cyclist worthy of the name needs this holiday. The SMEVEC 8, Happy Lucky 88's introductory model in biofeedback information systems technology, is the only bicycle computer on the market with a seamless rider-machine interface. The Sublime Motion Elated Velocity Enlightenment Computation or SMEVEC for short, puts wireless speed/cadence, heart rate, and optimal power data on one easy-to-read display platform.
Exploiting the proven engineering and design excellence of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, the SMEVEC 8 allows the serious amateur to focus on improving power, speed and overall performance -- just like the pros. You can use any wheel, hub, crank or chain--JUST MOUNT AND GO! There is no software to learn so you can immediately concentrate on objective based training workouts.

SMEVEC is where the REVOLUTION starts...what are YOU using to control and compute accurate biofeedback information on a timely basis?


Rumour of Sponsor Deal holds currency!

Ever since the October announcement that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory would be the primary sponsor of Team Vitesse, other potential sponsors have expressed keen interest. Team Vitesse's standards of transparency in pre-race cockle testing make it a leader amongst professional teams. Couple this with the incredible product weaponry developed by Happy Lucky 88, and many podium appearances can be expected by the Team. No doubt the future success of Team Vitesse will provide an excellent ripe environment for exposure.

The breakaway republic of Terscheling off the northern Friesian coast of the Netherlands is currently courting Team Vitesse management for such exposure. It is unclear what, if anything, the republic of Terscheling has to offer.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Team Vitesse meeting

A Team Vitesse meeting has been scheduled for this Saturday at 0530 hours at the usual location. Johan will join us via video link-up from a brothel in Switzerland or the south coast of France. Topics on the agenda include:
  1. Presentation of Johan's European expense budget.
  2. Approval of Johan's European expense budget.
  3. How often should we have our cockles tested?
  4. Should the results of the "A sample" cockle tests be released to the press before the "B" sample is tested?
  5. What kind of a deal should we strike with Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory as exclusive distributors of the SMEVEC line of products in North America?
  6. Frank and open discussion of future Happy Lucky 88 products.
  7. Alternate plan in case the Super Absorbent Rain Cape delivery is delayed at Customs.
  8. Progress report on the SMEVEC prototype development.
  9. Adjournment.

Please note that Johan is only available for a brief time necessitating the early call to order of this important meeting. Johan has insisted that his expense budget be placed first on the agenda. Whatever Johan wants Johan gets...


COMING SOON: the SMEVEC revolution

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, in conjunction with its pro sponsorship team, Team Vitesse, has been working diligently on the next generation of bicycling biofeedback information systems. The "Sublime Motion Elated Velocity Enlightenment Computation" or SMEVEC will be available to all levels of consumers in the very near future. The SMEVEC revolution starts with the entry level system called the SMEVEC 8. This incredibly exciting and innovative biofeedback monitoring system is capable of highly convoluted calculations of cadence, speed, and tracking of other important personal information. We are certain that the SMEVEC 8 will quickly become a must-have for all discerning amateur cyclists wishing to improve their performance through technology.

The "pro" model, called the SMEVEC 88T, currently being tested by Team Vitesse, uses the same proven plywood platform as the SMEVEC 8. The optional mini ferring, rechargable power source, improved capacity for obscure calculations and other important cosmetic improvements will make this device a dependable mainstay for all members of the professional peleton. Employing the use of patent pending technology, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory will have a water resistant version called the SMEVEC 888T available in the spring of 2012 just in time for the London Olympic Games.

Both units have the ability to be fully integrated with the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking ferring developed by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory during the summer of 2008 and documented on this blog. As you have come to expect from any Happy Lucky 88 design, the Sublime Motion Elated Velocity Enlightenment Computation has received nothing but positive reviews from Team Vitesse members.

Please stay tuned for updates on the release of these and other momentous Happy Lucky 88 manufactory products.


Enquiries concerning testing procedures

Due to the avalanche of correspondence concerning Happy Lucky 88's cockle testing protocol, I have secured a flowchart/schematic from that company's Scientific Testing Laboratory of Manufactory. The experts revealed few details about the "Plywood Interface" except to say that "probing cockles for always goodness". Obviously there is nothing to worry about judging from Happy Lucky 88's exemplary track record of product development and quality.
A team member responds: I am pleased to see that Happy Lucky 88 has stepped up to put a plywood facade on cockle testing. Recent unrest in the cycling world seems to require big budget teams (and here I would argue that Team Vitesse is a team of such stature, for what we don't have in budget we more then make up for in plywood and the size of our cockles) to have strict testing regimes to ensure clean riding. Congratulations to Happy Lucky 88 for so splendidly interfacing their superior plywood product with our head scientist (or scientist head). Surely with all those wires it has to work. By also putting on this facade Team Vitesse can maintain the appearance of rigor why still actively recruiting riders such as Basso, Ricco, Schumacher, and Landis. Team Vitesse will need all the help it can get if we wish to enter next years Grand Tours. After all the only difference between us and a certain Texan is the presence of our cockles, and if size does matter we are looking to the top step of the podium! Yours, K2nees


Italian TV

It warmed the cockles and even the sub-cockles of my heart to see cycling on television while in Italy. I have no idea which one day race it was since my grasp of Italian is limited. I am certain that it was a race that Team Vitesse could have won if only we had entered...

I want to assure all 7 of my faithful readers that my cockles have passed all doping tests. These tests were administered under the supervision of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory by trained cockle testing professionals.


Have blog will travel -- Honeymoon

Just returned from 3 weeks of holiday honeymoon glory divided between HOLLAND LINK and ITALY LINK. Follow the links to view a few fotos.


A saddle for all seasons

The European styling of this classic "Western saddle" is undoubtedly a trend we will see coming to North America. Built with an eye to speedy sleekness from lightweight materials, the versatility of this saddle is limited only by the rider's imagination. Whether it be long days on the open range during branding time or over the cobbles of northern France, cycling will become a delightful dalliance for the delicate areas of any rider who throws a leg over this baby. It is not so much a saddle for your bike but an old friend you get to sit on.


Sharpen your cycling skills

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, in association with Team Vitesse, introduces their newest cycling creation. In their usual meticulous manner and after minutes of exhaustive testing, Happy Lucky 88 unveils what they like to call "Good Prospect Edgy Trainer". This device allows the rider to sharpen his/her riding skills while training on winter road conditions.
The secondary chain setup allows the operator the ability to sharpen knives, shears and scissors for extra cash.

Once again Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's design team has given it 110%, raising the bar, taking it to another level AND making a line in the sand.


Introducing Happy Lucky 88's new designer

Since arriving in Florence I am greatly relieved to find that the frenetic pace of Rome does not exist here. Correspondingly, more bicycles are in use by all sorts of people. I had an opportunity to talk to Alberto, a self titled designer, who was dressed in grey wool trousers, a grey sweater draped over his shoulders complimented by a grey v-necked sweater. His rhombus shaped sunglasses hung, relaxed, at the bottom of the "v". He sat astride a Scamperelli single speed with carbon fenders in the same palette as his outfit. His finely coiffed hair appeared unaffected by the gusty winds. A cyclist looking this good, exuding the relaxed manner of a proven winner, possessing this kind of style, is exactly what the design team at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory should employ. His design experience probably consisted of fetching coffee and croissant at Hermes in Paris. I suggest that Alberto could add a wonderful flair to the solid industrial style that is Happy Lucky 88's trademark.


Cycling in Rome

After 4 days of walking around the centre of Rome, i have only seen 4 cyclists insane enough to brave the crazy traffic. it is everyone for themselves on the road and it appears that only the most calm can ride a bike. one fellow (a business man) was tooling along an extremely busy via (street) with vespas and cars whizzing by. he may have even been whistling and smoking. this is the kind of rider that Team Vitesse is looking for! Serene and competitive at once. Smoking and whistling can only mean that he has incredible lung capacity.

As soon as he regained consciousness from a nasty spill after being cut off by a Vespa, I signed him to a one year contract.

from Rome, h2o


conquering the Stelvio

A chance conversation in Rome with a Dutch fellow revealed that he had rode his bike up the Stelvio (a famous pass in Italy oft used in the Giro). He rode with 80 people with a broom wagon. the triple on his bike was essential. What is with these dutch flatlanders and their reliance on triples to conquer 8% grades? I would have to recommend more training consistent with Johan's scheduled work ethic used by Team Vitesse sponsored by Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Current training with the team is certain to maximize the power on the pedal in a double configuration.

Yours from Rome,



a first hand report -- Giant of Provence

Through some excellent research conducted in the language of my ancestors here in the Netherlands, I have determined that the son of my cousin has actually cycled up Mt Ventoux. His support vehicle may have been driven by his parents. He has a triple on his bike which made it possible but just barely. He claims that the pitches in the forest before the barren area are 9 to 11 %. I cannot imagine how that could be any steeper than anything in our area. He thought that Mt Ventoux is more difficult than Alpe D'Huez. I feel confident that if a flatlander from the Netherlands like him can succeed, then I, 30 years older and far more out of shape can also. He said he almost turned around and that he wished he had trained more (like riding 500 km per week). The time has come to quit our jobs and devote all our time to riding.

Thus far in my other research into the market penetration of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory into Europe, I have found little evidence at all. This explains why Happy Lucky 88 has sponsored our Team to represent its interests in the upcoming professional season on the European racing scene.


Panel of Sponsor inquiry

H2O: As always I am very impressed with the Happy Lucky 88 products, and see some benefits to swimming as well as biking. The floatation characteristics would be impressive, perfect for the dead man position, but the design may have to change to allow for arm rotation. Any idea about the drag coefficient?

Dear R&H: thank you for your incisive question. I presume that you wish to use the Panel of Sponsor in your triathlon endeavours. I do not claim to be an expert on the nuances of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory merchandise, but I recall that their fine print states that any "layer wood" crafted products must be kept dry. You might be able to circumvent this small problem by shrink wrapping the entire Panel of Sponsor before shrink wrapping it to your body. I will pass along your request for statistical information about the panel's drag coefficient. Good luck and let us know how that works

Order your Panel of Sponsor & jersey NOW

The industry is buzzing at EuroBike 2008 in Friedrichshafen, Germany about the recent announcement that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory will be the title sponsor of Team Vitesse. Over at the Happy Lucky 88 plywood booth, a great deal of interest has been shown about the this year's innovative "panel of sponsor". "The sky is the limit on accessorizing this panel" said one Pro-Tour manager. "What will they think of next at Happy Lucky 88?" quipped Bjarne recently. "Happy Lucky 88 is easily one of the most cutting edge design companies in the world!" exclaimed the president of a major bicycle company who wished to remain nameless.

You can bet that the interest will only build at the Vegas INTERBIKE show when Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory unveils this revolutionary advertising initiative to the North Amercian market.
Overwhelming interest in the "panel of sponsor" has made it possible make a FANTASTIC limited time offer. A container will reach our shores soon with a volume of panels and the already proven Super Absorbent Rain Cape. The seamless integration of these products will make you the envy of the peleton.

Right now, if you order 24 panel of sponsor you will receive, for an indeterminate price reduction, 1 Super Absorbent Rain Cape. This kind of offer comes around only once in a good long while so act NOW. Due to difficulties with Customs, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory appreciates prepayment of all orders in cash. You may deliver your payments to Team Vitesse headquarters. ACT NOW to avoid disappointment.


"new look' Team Vitesse jersey

Our new sponsor's name, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory, compliments and completes the classic Team Vitesse jersey. In compliance with Happy Lucky 88's maxim, "We manufactory layer wood product", the sponsor's name is prominently displayed and meets UCI standards.
Already, the positive reviews are coming in...
"I am in awe of the aerodynamic prowess of our new team jerseys, Happy Lucky 88 has come through again. They truly do stand by their properly translated motto, "engineered plywood for the discerning cyclist". The ply count approaches the quality of fine Egyptian cotton. The modular nature of the jersey ensures the Super Absorbent Rain Cape will fit like the proverbial plywood glove. Not only does the panel allow for prominent placement of sponsor names, it will also make finding the perfect time trial position much easier. In full tuck, a pint should rest perfectly on top, not spilling a drop while in the drops."
In eager anticipation of our new jerseys, K2nees
"I am also in awe. The stupendous genius of design is breathtaking. It can only be described as aesthetic and technical perfection unified. I can just imagine the glory of the wooden wings in unison, driving the peleton forward. With such forward thinking, the practical applications are endless. Aside from the obvious performance boost from the aerodynamic lift generated, it functions as a picnic table, a roadside workbench, a spine board promoting correct posture, spinal protection in the unfortunate event of a crash and heightened visibility amongst dopey motorists. I'm certain there will be a landslide of add-on accessories such as the now famous blue super absorbent rain cape. Just think of how many water bottles an Extra Super Domestique could shuttle from the team car. As well, lunch and/or the occasional family member or celebrity who wishes, can be strapped on and brought up right into the action. I can't wait to get mine."
Thank You Happy Lucky 88! Lampo Bianco


Fellow Vitesse comrades

I regret to inform you that Johan will not be available for any public appearances or management duties for the foreseeable future. He will be consumed with bringing the lance up to speed in time for the new doping controls which will be administered immediately. One of the reasons Johan is retained by Team Vitesse is his great prowess in obfuscating conclusive positive test results. I have spoken to his handlers who are in agreement that the lance will require all of Johan's magic in his quest for eternal youth.

Therefore, Team Vitesse must forge ahead without an active DS. Johan will continue to provide his usual insightful guidance through the state-of-the-art race radios that the team will be receiving from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory as part of a sponsorship deal.

Indeed, I am pleased to announce that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has agreed to be the primary sponsor for Team Vitesse in our quest for glory in the upcoming cyclocross season, the 2009 Spring Classics and the '09 Grand Tours. Details of the sponsorship deal will be released soon.

The team's official title will be:

"Team Vitesse - Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory".


Most Esteemed Company

Most Esteemed Team Vitesse Company:

I introducing Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory for fare well business opportunity. Our fashionable factory depend layer wood to suitable esteemed company. Product of Most Abundance Fountain of Euphoric Youth Booth admirable choosing you have. Name of number units to immediate shipping required.

Mysterious anger pain make lighter from Most Abundance Fountain of Euphoric Youth Booth. Number least units 28. Have ready shipping now! Send good money for special offer concluding longevity product. Most esteemed company to contract Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory early now.

You true contented,
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory


An open letter to Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory
To whom it may concern:

You may remember Team Vitesse and our order for 144 Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. We continue to anxiously await the arrival of these “state of the art” ferrings for the team’s time trial bicycles.
When we placed that order, we also purchased the plans and schematics for the “Most Abundance Fountain of Euphoric Youth Booth”. At the time, your representative assured me that the Euphoric Youth Booth could be easily adapted for use as a hyperbaric chamber. He further claimed that by sleeping a minimum of 8 hours in the booth, the thinner air would increase the lung’s oxygen absorption abilities.
Your high quality detailed plans were difficult to understand but team members persevered with mixed results. The adaptation required that tin foil and plywood be attached with duck tape and silicon to the bathtub. By using what appears in your drawings to be a garden hose, the air in the chamber can be evacuated (or sucked out). The result would then be equivalent to an oxygen level at 12,000 above sea level.

K2nees has had difficulty creating a seal between the tin foil/plywood/bathtub interface. What would you suggest? Please remember that the Youth Booth needs to be removed each morning so that the bathtub can be used for personal hygiene purposes.
Lampo Bianco has encountered the other extreme in his use of the Most Abundance Fountain of Euphoric Youth Booth. He sleeps in the fetal position and awakens with “the bends”. I believe that the bends are caused by a lack of oxygen in the system. He spends each morning in excruciating pain while the excess nitrogen gas dissipates from his system. The Team Vitesse budget cannot continue to support the massage therapy required each day to return Lampo to an upright walking position. Do you have a solution to this problem?
Team Vitesse continues to believe in your research and development department and the high quality of your products. We would appreciate answers to our enquiries at your earliest convenience.

Kindest regards, H2o, (Hammer of Holland)


High Altitude Training

A training camp was held on August 18, 19, & 20 in the Skoki valley of Banff National Park. The team included PE5GW (team ornithologist), RM (team geologist), SB (plant identification specialist) and h20 (Hammer of Holland). Johan (the enigmatic Directeur Sportif) thought that some of the Team Vitesse members would benefit from some high altitude training.

Part of the team and character building included hiking up Deception Pass under 30 degree C sun with constant horse fly attacks to all exposed flesh. "Bugger Off" and other insect repellants were shunned to avoid any absorption of DDT into the atheletic temple that is h20's body. The multitude of horse fly welts provided motivation to continue the forced march. Once over the pass, the downhill pounding on the knees made for an extremely painful descent. h20's knees were not used to walking in the high mountains on uneven surfaces with a pace dictated by aerial insect attacks.

Arrival at the lodge was a welcome reprieve from the day's exertions. The staff had created a small pool for bathing in the creek that runs past the trekker's cabin. h2o took advantage of this feature to cool off in the freezing stream. After above average shrinkage, h20 emerged to begin drying off. Unfortunately, h20's hat had been dropped over the entrance to a wasp's nest. Those unhappy residents attacked h20's head, scoring 4 direct hits. A fast adrenalin retreat by h20 saved him from further damage. Johan's character building ideals were completely fulfilled by the day's barrage of insect attacks.
Thus ended day one of Team Vitesse's high altitude training camp.


Super Absorbant Rain Capes

H20: In the event of rain I have procured rain capes for team vitesse...unfortunately Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory did not have any of their super absorbent "Obstinately Rebuked Failing Moisture" rain capes made out of ...you guessed it.....1/4 inch plywood. I was told they are cut anatomically to ensure good fit in the areo position. not that it matters as they were out of stock (due to increased demands from the womens’ peloton in the Olympic road race). I have instead purchased a box of ordinary large size garbage bags and have cut holes to allow our heads to poke out. I am sure these are as effective as any store bought version and have the added bonus of being much safer. Don’t fret, shorts are in the works as are helmet covers and shoe covers.....garbage bags and silver duct tape fix everything. I have been told the silver ductk tape shimmers on a bright day. k2nees

Dear K2nees: those crazy peeps at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory…is there anything they can’t fabricate for cycling?? Super absorbent plywood rain capes! I love those guys! If I have to use garbage bags, I prefer orange ones to honour the land of my forefathers if you don’t mind. The day of infamy looms when we find out if your hyperbaric chamber is worthy of the name. I suggest that you begin living in your hyperbaric chamber so that you are not too badly embarrassed on our next spin. h2O

Unfortunately my home made hyperbaric chamber is on the fritz. the tin foil used to seal the top of my bathtub does not seem to be holding the pressure I pump in with my inflatable mattress foot pump.....I got the designs from the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. I am sure the ferring design will be far superior. I will work on the chamber tonight. Vaseline around the seals and some duck tape to patch the holes and the tin foil should be as air tight as can be. K2nees

Dear K2nees: I am surprised that the plans from the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory do not include any plywood for your hyperbaric chamber. I know for a fact that the good folks at Happy Lucky choose plywood as their number 1 or number 8 building material. The tin foil certainly covers the “bling” factor for the chamber. I suggest you think about sleeping on the second floor of your home, sealing all doors, windows and vents and begin pumping out the air to produce the rarified mountain simulation atmosphere. h20

Dear K2nees: launch preparations are proceeding according to plan. We should expect a motivational talk from a Mr. Chris Farley before blast off. The talk is sponsored by the good folks at Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory in conjunction with Long Life Fried Lotus Fabricatory. Please ensure that you are equipped with ear protection. Mr. Farley speaks in a loud voice to add greater emphasis to his motivational message. Today’s topic is entitled, “COMMON MODALITIES IN THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM”, subtitled, “How to Win the Hearts and Minds of Average Working Canadians”. Afterwards, cucumber sandwiches and fruit punch will be served by the Women’s Auxiliary of the Friends of Deep Well Fractionation. h2O

motivation is what i need... procrastination is what i want..... perhaps mr. farley can teach me to have some balance in my life. I thoroughly enjoy being yelled at, in fact it is one of my favorite pass times along with gouging out my eyes.... perhaps that why i enjoy working at redbike so much! it certainly has that kind of an atmosphere. Not unlike a gulag or a suite at the spanish inquisitions villa. The screams sooth my are a salve for my soul (that the only kind of salve i can get thanks to mr bettinis bruised ego). The snacks provided after said ride do sound like what the doctor ordered (well he ordered advil but thats virtually the same as a cucumber sandwich. K2nees

Dear K2nees: I regret to inform you that Mr. Farley’s motivational talk has been cancelled. It appears that he has been deceased for some time but Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory was not aware of his passing. The management of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory have had a Mr. Farley on the payroll for the past 12 years. Instead we will have a “lunch and learn” session with one of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory’s preeminent technical staff. Dr. U.N. Do will demonstrate the proper care and use of the super absorbent plywood rain cape. Dr. Do is famous for his humour and unorthodox approach to these events. Look forward some crazy shenanigans as Do does his best to engage us in an otherwise dull and tedious topic. Please bring your super absorbent plywood rain cape so that it can be registered for warranty purposes. h20

That sounds wonderful as well, i was trying my "obstinately rebuked failing moisture" rain cape last night wishing i had received the technical manual in some form of the alphabet that i recognized. perhaps dr.u.n. do can provide the expertise necessary for the tedious fitting of this wonderful product. is he per chance related to dr. o.h. no, another uber-qualified technician of quality chinese cycling componentry however he is not known for his quiet disposition and humour as his roles in the 007 series will attest to. your in fear of rain and termites, K2nees


Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking

Please review this wonderful time trial bike. The team feels that we can secure this constructor as a sponsor! This time trial bike a super innovation to the current carbon revolution. Originally built in 1898, the contemporary look and feel will make it a force to be reckoned with. The innovative hammock style seat will be the envy of all the teams at the vuelta. H2O
was this machine built by gustave eiffel? it has his "erector set" look...and it comes to a point... the hammock seat is a nice addition....as soft as an already broken in brooks but without the tedious rubbing of leather ointment. the design will certainly cater to long armed riders as in an aero tuck it is a long way to the drops over the centre "tower" or "mast". my favorite bit is the wire counter balance for the seat to relieve the pressure on the otherwise flimsy seat tube sign me up....does it come in red? K2nees
I regret to inform you that the time trial sled only comes in the black pictured and a “lemon” yellow. The innovative hammock seat also has the ability to swing back and forth as one pedals. Another bonus is the fact that standing up out of the seat is impossible. In order to receive the “team” discount, we need to order 12 of these bad boys. I will go ahead with the order as soon as you can confirm 5 other riders and I shall do the same. h20 Dear Dr K2nees: Ricardo Ricco has admitted to cheating and has now contacted our team headquarters. He would like to sign with us. He was very interested in the time trial bike that we have been discussing. There has been no final decision on hiring Ricco but the fact that he would like to ride the time trial machine is very promising. h20
well he should have an extensive training period (say two years) to become accustomed to the new machine before competition.....that leaves 9 new riders to sign....perhaps Pepoli would like to join us as well? K2nees
Pepoli is over the hill and you know it. We want talented riders with a future like…Jan Ulrich. Have you shown him the new time machine? That hammock seat is what Ricardo is crazy about. Perhaps Jan will feel the same way. h20
i shall pass it along to him but you realize that since he has his own bikes we will have to "re-badge" the TT rig with his stickers to avoid any sponsorship issues. Have you spoken to mr. Basso lately perhaps he is still looking for a team with a wicked ride. Additionally there is "you only think i am here" Rasmussen. Both riders would complement your strong mountain riding style and make great allies for your bid for the malliot jaune K2nees
Good point on the Basso Rasmussen signings. I want to avoid looking like ROCK racing by signing all the pariahs of the sport. Maybe we can get a few of the old guard like Zabel and Petacchi. Zabel is not known for his time trialling, but the “Erector” time trial bike has the potential to shave precious minutes off anyone’s time. I prefer not to “go” for the yellow jersey. I prefer to be off the radar until the big mountains. That is when I usually show my prowess in and out of the saddle. It is more likely that me and the rest of the team would drag you (kicking and screaming) to the base of the climbs so that you can launch one of your technically superior workshops on mountain climbing. I will go for the ciclamina jersey before the maglia rosa. h20
well it looks like we have it sorted out....you may as well put in the order for the bikes. all that leaves is a team name...... i suggest "no really they are just vitamins".....will that fit on our jerseys? K2nees
The team name has already been determined. My mother calls the team “Team Vitesse”. It has a nice European feel to it and implies organizational prowess beyond our abilities. The colour scheme is green, black and a yellow “Vitesse”. We will have the obligatory news conference stating that we are anti-doping. This of course will be lip service to that noble but completely unrealistic goal. h20
Do you think that the TT bike will come with a full faring? K2nees
one of the questions you might have pondered upon reviewing our new time trial rigs is their aerodynamic qualities. I have been assured that a ferring is available for the “ERECTOR” at selected Canadian Tire outlets. The ferring is manufactured in China by the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory company. They use only the highest quality fiberglass, plywood and duck tape to create the best possible ferring for our purposes under the brand name, Prosperous Contented Blocking. I believe that this solution is an easy and affordable way to gain extra time on our competitors. I would like to request that we store the new Prosperous Contented Blocking ferrings in your living room until the “ERECTOR” order arrives. Yours in equipment procurement, h2o
Dear K2nees: you are showing excellent team spirit by allowing the storage of the 24 (the minimum order) Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking in your living room. I have been informed by our friends at the Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory that the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking should not be left in the sun or allowed to get wet. They were vague about the reason for this odd request but I trust these people implicitly. We are receiving such a deal that I decided not to purchase the warranty. I hope that I do not regret this decision. I have requested that one of the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking be diverted to the Black Forest so that Jan can work with the new contraption. I assume that Jan only rides on dry nights in the dark. Kindest regards, h2o
Dear Dr. K2nees: Please see attached drawing of the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking. I think something has been lost in translation but it looks pretty good all the same. The Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory promises to use ¾ inch plywood. The original idea was to use 1 ply plywood but apparently there is a scarcity of it due to the Olympic construction. Before they go ahead and produce the minimum order of 144 units, I thought we should carefully analyze the lightweight construction and its aerodynamic qualities. The Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory claims to have done extensive wind tunnel testing with very positive results. I look forward to receiving your comments concerning the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking which will be produced in China by Chinese people. Yours in procurement, h20
Dear comrade procurement officer (H2O),The PCOB looks just right for our needs, but perhaps it could be sheathed in some kind of metal cladding to up the "bling" factor...afterall we are a high budget team and we need to keep up appearances, particularly if we expect kisses from the podium girls.