Musings about Dopings

Once again the cycling world is abuzz with the latest doper to be caught. This time the silver medalist at the Bejing Olympics had CERA coursing through his veins while on the course. The disappointment in the pro ranks and its fans is palpable.
A spokesperson for Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's Cockle testing apparatus asserts that, "The offender should have used Enhanced Power Output (E.P.O.) and its secret masking ingredient invisible agent D.O.P.E. A negative Cockle test is always guaranteed under the supervision of trained HL88 personnel. When will cheating cycling people realize that the Cockle test is a safe,cheap, easy, and somewhat unsavoury means to Happy Lucky results?"
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory bears no responsibility for false claims from its products.


WOD - April 27

plangency: resounding loudly, with a plaintive sound as in a bell

The Roubaix velodrome was filled with plangency when the last rider took the bell lap.


WOD - April 24

specious: apparently good or right though lacking real merit

Johan's professionalism is constantly labeled specious by the media. These libelous attacks never dent the dogged devotion displayed by Team Vitesse towards Johan.


Spring Cycling Fashion Tips

Spring can bring great variations in weather. For colder days requiring warm layers, Team Vitesse uses a rayon-like product. Its composition includes offcuts and recycled floor sweepings from the plywood division of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. Rayon is a boring natural fiber somehow made from cellulose. In contrast "Plycron" uses hyper compression quarkation theory giving the resulting garments similar layering and pattern to the signature plywood used so successfully in other Happy Lucky 88 products. Garments made of Plycron even have the same stiffness and water absorbency as the Super Absorbent Rain Cape.

The partnership between Team Vitesse and Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory continues its strong tradition of innovation without compromise for comfort or practicality.

WOD - April 23

profligate: utterly and shamelessly immoral

Team Vitesse members unanimously agree that Johan is one profligate character making him an especially inspirational figure.


Instructional Videos from Happy Lucky 88 - WWJD #1

Team Vitesse and Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory have partnered to produce a series of instructional videos. The first is the series: WWJD #1 (What Would Johan Do), is an engaging interactive learning tool. I know that I am not the only one who has enjoyed watching Team Vitesse flirt with racing success thanks to Johan's superb guidance. Now exclusive access to Johan in real life situations details how he makes his race and life defining decisions.

In one particularly poignant example, Johan is actually riding a bicycle on a route that passes a beer garden. He must make a decision. You the viewer are invited to answer the question WWJD? Complementary interactive accessories include a decision tree flow chart. You can record and measure your decisions and compare them to the omniscient Johan.

These instructional videos are not available at reputable stores. Order your beta videotape now and receive a free Sony betamax machine to play this most excellent product.


New HyperLink Feature!

As the readership of Cycling Cosmonaut grows, so has their sophistication and need for timely cycling information. Recently Cycling Cosmonaut received a request for hyperlinks to some of the wondrous products from the world famous sponsor of Team Vitesse, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory.
In an effort to meet this demand for pertinent technology without scrolling through older posts ad nauseum, Cycling Cosmonaut invites you to enjoy the Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking once again. Its legendary effectiveness is well respected by the professional peleton and was recently used to great effect in the Paris-Roubaix race. Stay tuned for future links to the innovations of Happy Lucky 88 on this blog. Many thanks to AHAB for this insightful suggestion and blessing us with his hyperkoolness.


WWJU - What Would Johan Use

Your new posting takes a courageous look at an oft-ridiculed aspect of professional bike racing protocol – the choice of otherwise “manly” riders to achieve leg hairlessness for the sake of safety.
It is a well known fact that bacteria love hair follicles and that every unshaven follicle provides a “doorway” penetrating a freshly grazed epidermis. This can only end in tears or into a dangerous state of infection and possible amputation, or worse still, death. Indeed there are other advantages to bald shins, knees and thighs. With the advent of skin tight spandex high performance wear there is now no unsightly texture or puckering caused by forests of testeronic tresses. The rider thereby becomes a visual extension of the smooth titanium or carbon or aluminum or steel frame he propels over the finish line.
To those apologetically nude-legged riders out there – FLAUNT your baby-smooth gams – and cycle into an infection-free world of victory and twin goddess kisses on the podium.
What Would Johan Use (razor, wax or Neet)? by PE5GW

Team Vitesse Shaving Advisory

Now that racing season is upon us and Team Vitesse has literally hit the road at Paris-Roubaix, Johan has issued a directive. Team rules state that all riders must sport a cleanly shaved "plucked chicken" look on all lower extremities. Johan wants team members to achieve this appearance by the middle of the month.
In attempting to comply with TV Directive 18.8(a) H20 suffered a potentially career ending shaving disaster. Confirmed independent reports reveal that while cutting back and pruning the thick leg underbrush with an upward motion, the razor slipped and was momentarily juggled. While struggling to gain control, the blade sliced H20's right nipple. Everyone can agree that the nipple is a particularly sensitive area. The blood trickle was stanched with a band-aid. He is under doctor's supervision and while the injury is serious, H20 does not anticipate any interruption to his strict training schedule.


Cycling Cosmonaut Exclusive - Interview with K2nees

CyclingCosmonaut (CC): We are here on the eve of Paris-Roubaix with a Team Vitesse rider, K2nees. We were unable get an interview with team director Johan because of a vicious stomach ailment commonly called a hangover. K2nees has assured us that he is intimately aware of what Johan would say or do (WWJSorD).
How has Team Vitesse’s build up to Paris-Roubaix (P-R) been? Rumor has it your training included riding to Paris from the Ottoman Empire?
Team Vitesse (TV): That is correct. After our shipwreck on our way from China to Europe for some product research and development we were forced to ride the highways and biways of the Holy Roman Empire to Paris.
CC: Are you aware that most professional teams use chartered airlines?
TV: Well we would like to fly but Johan still has to procure the sponsorship money promised from the Republic of East Ohshitia. Johan controls the cash flow and in these tough economic times the priorities are gambling and the upkeep of his villa.
CC: What was it like riding across Asia and Europe?
TV: Luckily our sponsor Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory (HL88) provides us with the peloton’s most advanced plywood cycling products as well as energy products like E.P.O and D.O.P.E so it really wasn’t that bad. It was kinda like an extended version of Saxo Bank’s famous team building camp....but without frills like massage, warm food, and shoes. I can’t complain though, it is not often you get to ride for the glory of our sponsors HL88 and Humus Depot.
CC: Where was Johan during this journey?
TV: We assume he spent his days like he usually does; in a stupor at his lake Como villa or making big money by gambling. We lost touch after eating the last messenger pigeon.
CC: How did you keep your training up without supervision from your DS?
TV: Our training consisted of trying to stay one pedal stroke ahead of the irate toothless farmers whose potatoes we stole. Quite frankly, it was not that hard to train without a DS. We just kept asking ourselves “what would Johan do?” (WWJD). It’s working for this interview.
CC: Point taken. Now that you are here and you have access to proper nutrition and medical attention what are Team Vitesse’s goals for P-R?
TV: Different members of the team have different goals.
CC: Would you care to elaborate on the team’s strategy?
TV: Based on the WWJD principle we have decided that we will work for and hold H2O in reserve for the finale while I will try to get in an early break so that our sponsor HL88 gets some well deserved television time. It’s really important for Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory to get exposure. All 17 televisions in East Ohshitia will be tuned to the race. Apparently there are 8 Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory clients in China who will be glued to the wireless. We really owe it to our sponsor who has been so good to us.
CC: That is very noble and ambitious. What about your other team mates? What is their form like after your journey?
TV: LB is recovering from a septic badger bite he sustained outside of Edirne, Turkey. His personal goal is to ride further than those wimpy Spaniards who always pull out before the first sector of pave! Night Train is hoping to catch a any train to the Roubaix velodrome showers before all the hot water is gone.
CC: Would you say that the team’s aspirations are split between P-R glory and not being peloton fodder?
TV: WWJD means we are riding to win until it gets too difficult.
CC: Do you realize that other Directeur Sportifs use a more hands on approach with their riders.
TV: Johan uses a tough love approach. Riders are rewarded somehow. We have yet to be favoured by such rewards. Johan can be unpredictable if there are not enough Amstels in the team car caravan. But the team believes in him unequivocally.
CC: You really have an interesting team dynamic, what is the team mandate or motto?
TV: Well we like to say “Difficulty overcome by proper application of plywood”. My personal mantra is “Will someone have food for us at the feed zone”.
CC: Well, I’d like to thank you for your candor during this interview and I hope that your P-R goes to plan. Any last minute pick for the favorites?
TV: Well it goes with out saying that if H2O has a good day and his Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking faring does disintegrate in the mud of northern France, its super absorbent plywood you know...I think he should win, particularly if Johan gets around to spreading the nails he had planned for the Arenberg. Otherwise I’d pick Emilien-Benoît Berges of the powerhouse Agritubel squad, have you heard of him? Second I’d have to go with Tom Boonen because he is just so good looking... I wish I had enough hair for a Euro mullet!
CC: Thank you Team Vitesse and K2nees. Godspeed and good luck
TV: Luck has nothing to do with it. Happy Lucky 88 does it all thanks to D.O.P.E and E.P.O


H20 breathes cycling

H20, a founding member of the Edmonton chapter of Team Vitesse, has begun training in earnest for the spring classic races in Europe. By the time he reaches racing weight and fitness it will be just in time for the 2012 spring season. This does not deter him however. He is making an effort to "go green" and rely less on vehicular support to take team members out of the hurly-burly of traffic. The plan involves sussing out a route from east Edmo to the rich paved range roads north of evil highway 16.

This past weekend has yielded success in forging a safer path out of town. By travelling north on Fortune Street (17th) one can cut through the heart of black gold refinery row. Head east on Enchantment Avenue (Petroleum Way) one can drink deep of the benign petrochemical airborne effluent which pervades the atmosphere. As one travels through this wondrous world of hydorcarbon refining, treat yourself to huge lungfuls of the byproducts that provide riches for Alberta. This section of the ride is far more safe than riding on the verges of the highways. Their shoulders replete with sand, aluminum cans, pebbles, tie-downs, dead gloves and discarded rolled-up-rim coffee cups.

A resourceful rider can easily negotiate an extremely busy overpass interchange while jostling with 18 wheelers to head north into a strange landscape left dictated by the culmination of the city's landfill. Here water foul live amidst floating paint cans on ponds left by spring melt waters. Take deep inhalations of the off gassing from years of refuse returning to the earth.

These invigorating olfactory assaults motivate riders to sprint out of the clouds of uncertainty and provide the opportunity to open the mind and lungs for the greater good of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. In fact they have begun working on portable oxygen support systems under the working title "Wondrous Odor Elimination" or WOE.

Team Vitesse gobsmacks the Peleton

In developments that are certain to stun the cycling world, all members of Team Vitesse finished ahead of the Olympic Time Trial Champion, Fabian Cancellara, in today's Ronde van Vlaanderen. Team members were abandoned by their Winnebago support vehicle early on when it failed to negotiate a corner. The motorhome occupants quickly retired to a local cafe to enjoy the rest of the race. Without support or radio communication, Team Vitesse had to walk up the feared Koppenberg section of cobbles. They were in good company with Fabian who was also forced to walk having broken his chain. The Swiss champion quit the race soon afterwards. Team Vitesse continued for 500 meters, before prudently deciding that enough was enough. The Belgians had seen the Plycra. They asked themselves, what would Johan do? and collectively retired to the next cafe. The team can be proud in the knowledge that they abandoned the race after Fabulous Fabian. Strong Work Team Vitesse and Happy Lucky 88!


Vitesse gains wild card berth in Ronde van Vlaanderen

Surprisingly, Team Vitesse has secured a place for the start of the Tour of Flanders this Sunday. This monument in the pantheon of one day spring classic races was never a focus of Johan or Team Vitesse. But since they were in the neighbourhood and the Team HQ Winnebago is running so well, the team and management thought it might be propitious to show the team Plycra in northern Belgium. "It is for our sponsor, Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory that we enter this race. We are feeling good despite our weakened immune systems", said a team member. Watch for Vitesse to figure prominently near the broom wagon.