Health Plan for Vitesse

Team Vitesse has received numerous messages of sympathy for h20 during his period of convalescence. Fear not blog followers. The doctor who performed the procedure remarked that he had never seen Phil tenacious oil leak out of a wound before. Bravely h20 insisted that an 18 tooth cog be used to open the hand. Immediately after yesterday's traumatic surgery on his right hand, h20 managed to perform a complete overhaul of his carboniferous flavoured cycle cross bike. Today, with his hand thawed out and throbbing, h20 gingerly rode his Monkey to his day job avoiding all evasive action scenarios on the way. "Tempting as it might seem, there is no need to rip the stitches on the first day when out-running the heat", uttered h20.


Team Vitesse Injury Report

At this particular point in time Team Vitesse members are suffering the after effects of a hard campaign.Their strong showing in the World Championships was not quite good enough to disrupt the whining Aussie from winning the gold medal. Johan was disconsolate and the team deemed it best to avoid Johan for a while.
Lampo Bianco has joyfully increased his carbon footprint by flying to San Francisco with Hat Model. His mission is to secure more sponsorship for Team Vitesse and do a little sightseeing on the way.
h20 underwent minor surgery for a problem with his middle finger. Overuse in the upright position during races made it impossible for him to make a fist. The surgery has been judged a success as he is now back to punching riders from other teams.
K2nees has been gainfully employed and continues to drool over titanium. He also continues to take a hard look at elk in the wild.



Due to popular demand, this BLOG has morphed and migrated over to www.cyclingcosmonaut.com. Please join Team Vitesse at their new web presence.


Singular Single Speeding

Seizing the opportunity proffered by clear skies and hot temperatures, the founding fathers of Team Vitesse saddled up their Karate Monkeys and ripped up some single track. The first order of business was to firmly ensconce Pucky the Mojo Mouse Beaver on Lampo's steed.

Pucky now rides above the head badge, master of all he surveys.Inspired by Johan, The Steaming Madman, LB and h20 wanted to make up for omitting the Single Speed World Championships from their racing calendar. They also knew that this would be their last tune up before travelling to Switzerland for the UCI world road championships. With Lampo as point man, the duo smoked over the dry rooted trail at warp speed. Joyous was the mood and as heart rates became elevated, the rapture set in.

Pausing for some liquid refreshments, h20 liberated a pair of brewskis from their bubble wrap protection. To that point, the Surly chain tensioner had never been properly tested. Success was just a bottle cap away. Fully refreshed the duo suddenly found themselves in darkness after the sun dropped out of the sky.
Singular signs greeted them as they roared through the woods. LB was particularly confused by this sign of the future. h20 required a breather after a particularly steep 25% pitch.

The riders now feel fully prepared for the world road championships and look forward to being able to purchase their plane tickets very soon. Apparently Johan was in charge of transport procurement but once again squandered the funds on wine, women and song. Donations are now being accepted for the "Let's Get Team Vitesse to Switzerland" fund.


Vexatious Villain Verified

A reader has raised questions about the state of Johan's mental health. Just how pissed off can a person be about missing one party? Johan can reach a similar state of agitation as Yul Brynner did in the movie Westworld. Hot under the collar does not describe the level of displeasure, exasperation, irritability and vexation that Johan exhibits when things do not go his way.That is why Team Vitesse retains Johan's services. Riders find his brand of wrath and ire pleasantly motivating.

Vitesse prepares for Worlds

Team Vitesse will travel to Switzerland in time for the Elite Time Trial scheduled for tomorrow. In an ingenious move, each team member's Prosperous Contented Obstruction Blocking will be disassembled and reused as the packing crates for the bicycles they fit onto.
Disappointment rippled through the team after it was learned that they had missed their chance to dominate at the Single Speed Championships in Durango, Colorado. No one was more upset than Johan who had vowed to make this event the party highlight of his year. Now the team must find ways to propitiate the great man to avoid the rescission of his services.


Surly Monkey Mojo

The long anticipated unveiling of the new MOJO, Pucky the Mouse Beaver, for Lampo Bianco's karate monkey is HERE! Named after the charismatic character in William Voltz's famously obscure book, SPOOR OF ANTIS, Pucky is a vital part of Perry Rhodan's team of deep space rebels.
The individualistic missing magic charm was the subject of a massive mojo manhunt. It was finally discovered after apparently having gone through the laundry. At its original 4 foot height, the MOJO might have been a liability when strapped to the frame of a bicycle. PE5GW must have been aware of this when she included it in the wash. Now its actual size will not affect the high performance of LB on his Monkey.Pucky the Mouse Beaver was known for his bravery and ability to be invisible and be in 2 places at the same time. We wish Lampo Bianco and Pucky the Mouse Beaver future success and safe riding.


Team Vitesse's Search for MOJO

MOJO. It refers to the magical charm bag used in voodoo. The word conjures up images of travel trailers and the like. To some cyclists, MOJO can be the difference between a safe journey and a safer journey. h20 recently accepted the task of finding a morsel of MOJO for Lampo Bianco, Team Vitesse's protected rider. LB had expressed a desire for some Monkey MOJO for a steed is his vast fleet. After a long search, h20 has finally found a suitably meaningful of symbol of protection. The new MOJO has no similarities to this plastic figure.
h20 now must locate the delicately wondrous item which was carefully placed somewhere in the man cave.


Cycling Pabulum

After a summer of sun and aridity, the autumnal season brings singular challenges to the cyclist. Cool mornings and warm afternoons mean diverse clothing choices must be available and portable. A cyclist's senescence does not always walk lockstep with increased wisdom. Fall will confute a cyclist's clothing selection with impunity.
Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has developed a new line of clothing specially designed to address the stress and duress of dress. Based on its successful Super Absorbent Rain Cape, new micro ply-fiber actually wicks moisture in. Nonexistent durability coupled with extreme discomfort means only one thing: you are wearing the best that HL88 has to offer.


Road Army Update

One development of the h20 selfless sacrifice of body and bike in the protection of Lampo Bianco are the reparations required to h20's trusty "orange arrow" road weapon. Once the weapon arrived at the cosmodrome, PE5GW immediately piloted the green lunar support module carrying the apparently mortally wounded orange velocipede to the best medical/mechanical geniuses in the business. Curbside unloading by redbike staff facilitated a seamless transition from cosmodrome to triage station. K2nees was instrumental in stabilizing the patient, cleaning the wounded brake lever and inspecting the conveyance for other injuries. After a brief recovery period, the orange arrow has been downgraded from critical status and can be released as an out patient. This comes as a great relief to Team Vitesse members and h20's fans and supporters who can look forward to future heavy drops and more downhill sprint points.


Putting the "B" from Business in CycBling

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory held a meeting of its business managers and directors recently. Discussion centered around increasing product awareness for the imminent release Sublime Motion Elegant Velocity Enlightenment Computation (SMEVEC) 88 ProT model. Managers were tasked with developing milestones to measure success. Dependencies were thrown back and forth. It soon became evident that everyone at HL88 will have to bucketize their tasks. Once that has been completed, issues will be decisioned up to the executive level. The ask will be determined so that direct reports can be informed.

Crowd Causes Catastrophy

Team Vitesse continues to prepare for the World Championships in Switzerland with regular weekend training rides. This past Sunday, the team gathered in anticipation of their planned paliopy practice procedures. Senor Merlini (S&M), a new recruit, attended at the behest of h20 and the approval of Johan. Resplendent in their uncoordinated jerseys, it soon became obvious that K2nees had forgotten his cycling shoes. Disappointment rippled through the remaining members as hope for a paliopy practice perished. K2 set out for his personal cosmodrome with a vow to meet the peleton somewhere on the road.
h20, S&M and that day's protected rider, Lampo Bianco, set a furious pace for the opening 500 meters. Massive crowds greeted them along the route. As they crested a catagory 1 col, the sound and smell of the clamorous fans grew to a fever pitch and odor. h20 was setting an infernal tempo at the front. One fan ran out seeking an autograph from LB. It was then that the much maligned Team Vitesse teamwork came to the fore.
Known for their incessant internal attacks, Team Vitesse has received undue criticism for being individuals on a team looking after their own interests. "I acted on instinct!" said h20 in television interviews later. Review of the race footage clearly shows the course of events.
As the fan was about to reach LB and hinder his forward progress, h20 sacrificed his body, GC placement and his bicycle to block the fan and protect LB. h20 found himself down on the tarmac with extreme road rash, a deep muscle bruise on the upper thigh, torn ligaments, arthritis, liver damage and most importantly, a damaged front brake lever. S&M quickly dismounted to assist his fallen comrade while LB put in a few choice punches and words into the seething crowd. Team Vitesse riders were far ahead of the support vehicles so any reparations were up to the quick thinking trio. Shaken but unstirred after the shock of the fall, h20 quickly mounted and, true to Team Vitesse form, quickly got a gap on his fellow team mates.
The ride continued without incident but K2 was never seen again that day. It has come to light that his valiant attempts to catch the splintered Vitesse peleton resulted in a coughed up lung.
Lampo Bianco won the day with the strong finishing Senor Merlini leading LB out to the final climb. h20 suffered immensely but managed a credible third. Despite his serious injuries, he defended his downhill sprint jersey with aplomb. The offending fan remains in hospital with a genuine LB signature on his body cast.


Team Vitesse Dictionary

The official Team Vitesse dictionary of cycling terms will be available from Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory very soon. This super absorbent plywood bound high-gloss paper edition will be able to withstand the elements as cyclists look up words such as:

Paliopy: the beautiful awesome beauty of Team Vitesse riders in their "chick magnet" formation replete with coordinated outfits. Similar to panoply except without the special formation.

Loserization: the noun form of the verb "loserize". To be dropped from the "chick magnet" formation due to an uncoordinated outfit.

Kit Coordination

It is a relatively unknown fact that feverish planning goes on behind the scenes prior to any ride. Attention to detail is vital for any ride to be successful; be it a training ride or under race conditions. Team Vitesse members make it look easy (they are professionals after all). The outfit choices available to Team Vitesse vary widely. h20 has been decorated with countless Downhill Sprint jerseys from all the grand tours. Lampo Bianco's steady string of public appearances has provided him with t-shirt possibilities too numerous to conceive. He actually has a personal outfit coordinator to manage his vast cycling wardrobe. K2nees, throughout all his palmares, has managed to maintain a colour theme. His basic black outfits go with most everything and are indeed, very slimming.
Team members spend hours coordinating their attire in order to provide a cohesive "look" to the thousands of fans who line the route. Favoured methods of coordination between riders include the telephone, faxing, and the hyper modern email.
There is a lot more to kit coordination than meets the eye. Team Vitesse takes the challenge of dress very seriously. The result is a wonderful panoply of colour that all fans can enjoy.
Let's not forget Johan's edict, "When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, the sensations are good. When the sensations are good, it is time to go to the pain cave." Of course everyone wants to look good in the pain cave.


Cosmodrome news - Sept 10

PE5GW has sustained an unspecified wrist ailment after acting as h20's bike repair stand for 8 hours. The regular bike stand was hung with drying laundry. h20 did a major overhaul while PE5GW clamped the frame in her steel vise-like hands. She is expected to recover before the entire team brings their weaponry in for work.
h20 suffered a blow out yesterday on his way for a coiffure. It has been posited that the inner tube exploded due to a small burr on the inside of the rim. h20 foolishly left the HL88 tool kit at the Cosmodrome and was stranded. Fortunately PE5GW commandeered a support vehicle to ensure that h20 did not miss his appointment. No injuries resulting from the blow out were reported and at this writing, the offending rim has been sanded with a 3M pad on the advice of Team Vitesse's metallurgist, PE5GW.


Sacrilege or Divine Inspiration

PE5GW really threw a spanner in the h20's works yesterday. It was laundry day at the Cosmodrome and PE5GW had outdone herself in her self imposed role as washerwoman. One must understand that none of h20's clothing can be dried in a conventional dryer. Due to his incredible size and girth, dryers can spell the shrinking end of any cotton shirt or pant thrown therein. PE5GW, being only too aware of this problem, found ample hanging opportunities in the Cosmodrome bike room. She managed to hang all of h20's shirts on the bike stand and from the handlebars of the weaponry. The prophetic words of security advisor Lampo Bianco still ring in the ears of h20. "This growlery needs a retinal, palm scanner and cavity search before anyone enters". An exception has been made in PE5GW's case as she was only doing her Cosmodromic job.


Transfer Season transforms Vitesse

Now that Team Vitesse has a new sponsor, new signings and transfers are taking place at an astonishing pace. Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory along with Aphrodite's Arboretum have been opening their cheque books to sign new talent. Rumours abound that K2nees has been talking to some high rollers over at Renault Gitane in hopes of having a team built around his all round skills. The only sticking point at this point in time is that a cycling team has not been sponsored by Renault for 25 years. We wish K2nees all the best with that one. Lampo Bianco still has another 25 years left on his contract with Team Vitesse. "Why mess with a great sponsor? Plywood is a way of life for me now. The sensations are good with plywood" he quipped recently. A new talent with a great future, Qube, recently rode on a training ride. "As soon as his membership cheque clears, we will sign his contract" offered Johan. h20 has flirted with other teams offering big money for his incredible record in the downhill sprint. "How could I ever adapt to non-plywood based equipment used by other teams?" is usually the deciding argument against any move.


Nepotism in Team Vitesse

Rumors and innuedo continue to fly as charges of corruption and nepotism wrack the professional peloton and Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. An exclusive inside source has revealed how HL88's legal team (see yesterday's entry) has been infiltrated by cavemen. In fact this rumour is completely false. This is actually a snap of Johan's brother using the latest HL88 technology to call for backup at his recent trial. He faced fraud charges in connection with illegal importation of plywood. It is good to know that Johan has assembled the best in the business.


Copied but never Duplicated

Copyright infringement is a very serious matter for all producers of products. It has come to the attention of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory's crack legal department that something called the "Denver boot" is using the same technological innovations as the Well Flourishing Ankle Bolstering (Well-FAB). Proceedings have been launched by HL88 including the appointment of a blue ribbon panel to determine similarities between the two products. If they have anything in common, the panel will make recommendations.


Product Concerns

Concerns have been raised concerning the intentions of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory for its products. With so many wonderful products designed specifically for Team Vitesse, the question is, "When will HL88 go into marketing to the masses?"

A case in point is the impossibly light-weight Well Flourishing Ankle Bolstering. If HL88 deigned to unleash the finely engineered Well-FAB on the market, it would most certainly turn the orthotics world on its head. However, it chooses not to because its first priority is supporting Team Vitesse cycling. The Manufactory continues to touch base with individual team members for input in order to fill their needs at any point in time. "Global marketing, as lucrative as it is likely to be, would be like a day without sunshine." spake a Manufactory representative. Let us never forget that Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory has committed itself to ensuring that all products it produces are unsurpassed in discomfort.

The Solution to Weak Ankles

Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory can never be accused of ignoring its sponsored riders' concerns. K2nees suffered an unfortunate accident some years ago involving an armadillo and some midgets. The details are too sordid to describe here. The result is that K2 carries titanium screws, plates and assorted cutlery in his ankle. In his build-up to this cycle cross season, he expressed trepidation in the strength of his joint when encountering the running sections of a cross course. HL88 was only too happy to develop the Well Flourishing Ankle Bolstering or Well-FAB to meet his specific needs.
Made from the same plywood as the Super Absorbent Rain Cape and weighing an incredibly light 1.2 kilograms, the Well-FAB is meant to fit snugly inside an over sized cycling shoe for maximum protection and shock absorbency. Armed (ankled in this case) with the Well-FAB, K2nees is sure to kick some butt while raising the profile of Happy Lucky 88 Manufactory. HL88 advises wearing the Well-FAB on each ankle for improved balance.